Kaimaniya. Voices
Translated by Sergei Tseytlin
Kaimaniya is a documentary poetry project based on the speech of real people suffering from mental disorders. For 5 years Maria Malinovskaya had talked to more than 70 people and then presented their stories in the form of documentary poetry. Voices is the final and the most challenging part of the project. People diagnosed with schizophrenia wrote down the speech of the “voices” they hear in their heads, and these notes subsequently became a special kind of documentary poetry where the inexplicable is directly talking to the reader. In the publication, this material is interspersed with stories told by other people about living a life with the voices.
Written down by Kirill
THE FIRST:
now they’ll remove you
they’re already tracking you down, our guys
find you… your
we’ve all gathered here to celebrate
today you will die
what will you do?
what will you say?
but we’re not interested
much better
much closer
first we’ll cut your ear off
now run away from me
just don’t run from me
I’ll have you understand who I am
you’ll have health problems
we’ll give you an injection
an interesting moment
you’ll go away in a spacesuit…
your body will be rebooted
and what else?
the discussion is finished
I’m continuing the conversation
you have two days left to live
we’ll track you down
tell us your phone number
tell us your address
close your mouth
I warned you
I told you not to bug me
we have you in our sights
you’re gonna be shot
they will kill you
they will be killing you
your hand will be cut off
you’re a survivalist now only thanks to me
well, what are you going to do?
don’t attract the fsb
congratulations, you’ve been recruited by the fsb
don’t be surprised if in a different way
it’s impossible in a different way
because you started fidgeting
don’t fidget
get out
get out of my room
you won’t fall asleep now thanks to me
get ready to feel destruction
now you’ll shit in your pants
you’ll have a choice: remain with me or…
you’ll die here, as we plant this chip in you
we’ll cut your head off and send it to your mother
don’t prattle, tell us your address
you’ll show me where I am
you crossed me when we were kids
nothing will help, I am physical
you’re mine
you’re my robot
you’re my bot
don’t show off
remove my jinx from yourself
I warned you, don’t stick your nose there
you’re done
I will finish you off, physically
I’m giving you a warning shot
you’re stupid
you’re really stupid
you have problems… with me
don’t irritate me
stop contacting me!
I’m turning off
I won’t even bother!
I’m turning off the alarm
I’ll fuck up your head
you’ll breathe when I tell you
now they’ll stick someone on you again
you mustn’t live your life
they’ll hook you up with a guy from Chernobyl
we’ll pursue you till midnight. it’s our thing
we’ll “love” you till morning
sleep well, sucker
THE SECOND:
shit, I’m here!
they’ve assigned me to you
I’m a shapeshifter
the one before me was someone else
go empty your mind of me
you’re a corpse
pray, bastard!
undress, bastard
he’s stupid
fucking bitch…
get out of here, I’m bloody
you have a sea animal here
it’s because you don’t socialize with us correctly
through an undertow
you have a neural parasite
precisely
fucking whore, fucking whore
go empty your mind of me
hope for the best, asshole
I’ll be butchering you every hour
you have to collaborate with us, we’re the fsb
we’re watching you
you’ll be put on suicide mode now
today you broke the rules
you didn’t allow us to shoot you
I’m going to increase the dosage, here I go
I’m going to chase you around the district for a couple of days, then let you go
finally!
A HUMAN VOICE:
you and I had an argument yesterday
I had expected something else, that you’d lick up your crap
I’ll stay with you till morning
a neural parasite is being planned for you
you’ll write — I’ll be offended, I told you to stop
in order to find me, use my nickname “Lord Shiva”
and if you’re not afraid, stay, I’ll make you swoon
you’ll have problems with your lungs today
you hear… stop interacting with me
you hear… stop contacting me
I’ve ruined your life and I know it
we’re studying how people’s brain can be influenced, including yours
one more line and you’re a corpse
well, you’re going to keep on fighting?
nothing will help, the radio is working
we’ll let you go in a year, in a new uniform. you’ll work for us
we need you to work for us. you’ll jinx other people
I’ll let you go for 2 hours, then we’ll continue carrying out the instruction concerning you (there’s a pop in the left ear and he disappears, the body is relieved, the sealing of the canals slowly dissolves)
From Natalie’s story: My voices were blocked. They couldn’t leave the earth. They suffered a lot. They screamed, “Open the door.” They pestered me terribly. You won’t believe it, I went to work and worked. I didn’t tell my husband anything. However, I stopped sleeping completely. They tormented me most at night. They practiced my death with me. They flooded the apartment, those louses. Just think how many strangers want to speak with you…
Written down by Victoria
you’re a sick hahahaah
she’s definitely sick look at her
a sick little bitch
a moron
she needs treatment
hahahaha she wants to get a spider
she sits at home thinking we’ll go away
hahahahah she’s blasting that music
hahahahaha a sick little bitch
the whole street knows she’s sick
we’ve known her since childhood she’s stupid
really stupid
look the sicko is coming
look she’s coming
hahahah freak
come on get some help
From Alexander’s story: Voices are not hallucinations or pranks of evil spirits. They are a real effect with the help of technology. The voices spoke to me of some antennae, of an incomprehensible radiation, that this is a transmission of a signal on different frequencies, of some manipulator, of thermal devices. And it all coincided with me later reading about experiments on the consciousness. I found a video of a guy who is tormented by voices. He talked about the details of what they had told him. It all corresponded to what they told me. How can this be? Do such coincidences really exist?
Written down by Nikita
Oh people, you scum, I want to talk. Avarna avarna avarna anarva arana varva. Veimeizmof, viemizmof, ist yam ist em, isa, isa. Veimeizmov, veimeizmov, we winnow, win now, eating all kinds of filth, scum bitches scum bitches. I want to socialize with people. Let’s see if I can socialize through a computer. Probably I won’t be able to work on a computer. Who will teach me? I won’t let your heads go. You made me, you made me. Basterds those bastards. Scum bitches scum bitches. I need two computers. I need two working stations. I need to practice. I can’t press the buttons, they’re very big. Wait, wait. I can’t go wild and then calm down. I can’t stop. I constantly want to socialize with people. The monitors will be like brains for me. The keyboards will be used for control. Wait, wait. I can’t let your brains go. I need nephritis, I need nephritis, I need nephritis the human race. I’m walking along the NO. There is no you — there is no me. I will sit on the monitor and spin it. I continuously want to socialize. Oh, you made me, you made me, eating all kinds of filth, scum bitches.
From Galina’s story: I feel a personality inside me with other desires, it speaks with a rather real voice. Sometimes it shouts so hard, that after I can’t speak for a week.
Written down by Olga
— is she really going to write this down?
— you thought she wouldn’t
— olyaaa!
don’t do this please
I can’t stand it anymore
how do we get out of here now?
— what, she’s going to be transmitting the government meetings now?
— olya, why are you doing this?
— no, I can’t stand it anymore
she’s unbearable
(shouting) learn to stay silent!
— let’s leave, quickly
turn it off quickly
— she can still hear
— here we go, she was taught
we taught you, idiot!
— we planted a noisemaker
— no, that wasn’t us
olga, which noisemaker?
— ol’, we didn’t want to
— turn off the whole apparatus!
— we turned it off, but she can still hear
— yes! this is proof!! (of telepathy, it seemed)
— what, she’ll write it all?
— let her write, I’m sick of it
— this is booooorishness (insinuatingly)
— she’ll give us in (a male voice)
— what will we do with the insurance?
— how will we live now? (a hysterical female voice)
— olya, please, we’ll think of something
you shouldn’t have interfered (to the woman)
— olya, we will use threats. leave it, I’ll write it over (about the reportage)
— olenka, what does it all mean to you?
— well, did you get it? (other voices, the tendons in my arm are contracting)
— is she doing a reportage?
commentator!
— I’m going to twist her head off (a frightened male voice)
— well, have you released her?
— she’s not responding
— ol’, you ok?
— who wrote her today?
hell, this one…
— please, first names only
— she doesn’t know anything!
she didn’t even speak about the airplane!
we gave her a directory but she didn’t read it
— what a whore!
I’ll make her… (pops resonate in the head, light cracks in the skull)
— don’t you dare
— let’s wrap up
— olya, this won’t help you (about the reportage)
— olya, you don’t know them
— olya, you’re not afraid?
this is how it is from morning till night, and sometimes during sleep. I don’t know what to do with this. perhaps it’s time to get used to it. a transparent world.
From Anna’s story: Those who haven’t experienced voices will not understand this. It’s as if you were tied down and forced to listen to someone else’s blather. Some yell at each other, someone laughs, others discuss things. It’s as if there was a listening device in my head set for the whole house. Help. Save me from this.
Written down by Peter
honestly speaking I’m under the glazing fillet the whole universe caught a cold
your secondariness and again the glazing fillet. rumynych plug
nothing through the roof the radio hollers
this dream is farther than anything
but what about the diagnosis. get outta here
what were you transferred again with an explosion package 40k you’ll receive
you have no relation to me, what are you selling me here
who are you who are you just imagine I’m tri-lipped
= it’s like this: you roll up your bike and storm America. nature — just dreams
the tunnel is next
a naïve adept (you said it yourself)
really welder someone is watching you should’ve known
someone is watching by the way go to the doctor’s advice like on algebra
planetarians don’t like us they know us
this deals with silos
let’s go let’s go
in the workshop the crane suspension hook = attackbond = moral code
a battle between maniac figures you are an encyclopedist really smart
are you a loner fool = so rude
I’m only a prankster and the like
you’re thirty years old and you’re as smart as rosenrot
I agree completely a coherent case you go from heart to heart
I want to be arcane fat chance such expressions I just
what kind of throat is this what kind of throat is this. here I am a gerund
look I am a wedge. I am a compound sentence shorter than five minutes
do you still want to write something a book a PhD thesis
you’re nuts why should I get into the glazing fillet? should I salute
you? turn to a goblin. with a big trumpet
the goblin. call me my surname’s famous. do you get it?
this is nikanor. fuck yourself abrams I think this girl owes you
she’ll give it to you during the delivery that’s it
so stop marking there is no capacity
this is an old truth
From Irina’s story: Voices can transform the endings of sounds into words and then we hear words that run through our personality. They can imitate any person well, any style, they have their knowledge base. In the beginning they speak in riddles. this excites the psyche, often doesn’t let you live. But you must tolerate it. The farther it goes the difficult it get. Their main objective is to humiliate us. They’ll sing over you — and you are an empty space. Kill you, take out years of your life. These objectives are uttered directly through the possessed.
Written down by Elena
a logical structure of describing oneself
models of command
distribution of responsibility (for memory, action and so on)
during the execution of the distribution of mental constructs (memory is being blocked)
“-you have to heal like wolverine -“ (command)
-= like a vulverine=- (my response)
<<privileges>> (association when reading this text on the paper)
?
“scary, Iroquois, scary”
“frolic, Iroquois, frolic”
-= a new word=-
-= a generalization=-
-= art=-
- --- --- --- - (repetition)
write it twice
+ a feeling of hatred+
“play, Iroquois, play”
“play, Iroquois, think of something”
“play, like wu..-=vu=-..lverine must you heal”
“marvelous, Iroquois, marvelous”
stretched to take a cigarette pack, it’s empty.
“get out of here, get out”
“living is like playing tag”
(hurrying), (-) (+) ?
looking at the above written (generalization)
“correct ..-ie, correct”
will type this on the computer
“throw it out, Iroquois, throw it out”
“we’ll find it”
From Sergei’s story: The voice comes antireasonably. It resonates right in the head, there appears an irritation of a passive bottom. The voice is antimatter, and again antimatter, and again antimatter, including the aaa voice itself and the awful aaa. The second must be extended, but I don’t have the words to describe it. Cruddy name-calling, disinformation, distorting, offending. This is incredible, purely negative evil. But reality is purely negative itself.
